233Bay
THE DIGS OF DOMESTICATED PIGS
0-MINUTE WALK TO BAY
2-MINUTE WALK TO BEACH
3-MINUTE WALK TO LIQUOR STORE
4-MINUTE WALK TO HARBOR
8-MINUTE WALK TO MEATRACK
THE LOOK
THE PERKS
HEATED POOL
Electrically heated salt-water big-ass pool, one of the largest in the Pines, and with lounging shallow end and a deep end. You can actually dive in and do laps, and be the little-mermaid you always wanted to be.
HOT TUB
6-person hot tub with the view of the bay. Even comes with a disco light system, not sure who the fuck wants that, but it’s there if you want it.
OUTDOOR DINING
Fancy schmancy dining table with a concrete top, on an elevated deck to enjoy your meals looking at the bay and pool.
INDOOR FIREPLACE
Potbelly fireplace in the living room for the chilly days, or just the lewks. Just stock on wood, it goes fast. And do NOT rest your hand on the top of the fireplace when it’s on. Yup, that’s for you Pete!
OUTDOOR SHOWER
No clue what the fuss is about, but the gays seem to love them. So there you go. You got one. Mazel!
AC IN ALL ROOMS
AC’s in the living room and all bedrooms. Brrrrr!
APPLE TV
Apple TV with access to Netflix, Hulu, HBO, Showtime, and Starz. Plus a large library of already-purchased tv shows and movies.
DRAG CLOSET
A ridiculous amount of wigs, dresses, heels, accessories, hats, tutus, and most importantly, fascinators. Because what self-respecting Pines house wouldn’t have one!
WIFI
The best wifi service you can get on the Pines, extended to cover the whole property.
KAYAKS
Two kayaks, for you and your boo. Row to Tea Dance, the Meatrack, or the Grove. FYI, you can comfortably stand in the bay water for miles. So don’t worry about getting lost at sea.
OUTDOOR KITCHEN
Because one is never enough. What are we, pedestrians! Grill, fridge, ice makers, which reminds me….
ICE MAKERS
Not one, but two. One by the indoor kitchen, and one by the outdoor kitchen. Ugh I hate bragging. Please stop making me brag.
THE LAYOUT
The rates and Availability
- Check rates by Shares, Weeks, or Nights
- Rates are for 2 people per room
- Rates include utilities, maid, wifi, pool & jacuzzi service
The Unicorn Room, 1 King-size bed.
The Antler Room, 1 queen-size bed.
Tom Selleck’s Room, 1 king-size bed.
Pigs’ Room, 1 king-size bed.
- The week is Thursday through Wednesday.
- Check-ins and check-outs are at 2PM.
6500
5 weeks
6500
5 weeks
6500
5 weeks
- The Unicorn Room, 1 King-size bed.
- The Antler Room, 1 queen-size bed.
- Tom Selleck’s Room, 1 king-size bed.
- Pigs’ Room, 1 king-size bed.
- The week is Thursday through Wednesday.
- Check-ins and check-outs are at 2PM.
THE RULES
Who am I kidding! They are rules.
But if you have common sense they’re like reminders. So REMEMBER…
Genderless
We don’t care what body parts you still have. Boobs, peens, vageens, and in betweens are all welcome. We expect you to be comfortable around and respectful of everyone. If you prefer a cis-men-only house that discriminates against others, move on… NEXT!!!
Clutter, Specially Shoes
Don’t leave out personal stuff, clothes, towels, laptops, cables, or SHOES, laying around the house or deck. Keep them behind your closed doors.
Unless it’s pouring out, you don’t need to leave your shoes by the entrance. The entrance is not a shoe closet. The house is definitely not a mosque.
High Heels & Pools
You queen might think it’s fun to jump in the pool after strolling around, showing off your 9-incher. But if your heel accidentally rips through the pool liner, the pool will be closed indefinitely. Your housies’re gonna shame you endlessly. And your social life will be ruined for the rest of your life. OK I just meant for the rest of your Summer, but wanted to be a bit more dramatic.
Eating & Drinking
If you got the cravings and shoved your face in someone’s cake, or felt very charitable and donated his bottle of tequila to your poor guests, be a doll, and fucking replace it ASAP.
LEFTOVERS
Silicon Lube
We all love them, but duvets, sofas, and outdoor cushions do not. Wanna fuck like bunnies all over the house, fuck away. But these stains never go away. So place a towel under you. Your bed sheets don’t count, mamma can bleach the hell out of those.
Penetration in Hot Hub
Wanna have sexy time in the hot tub? Why not! But do you have to go all the way innn? Your lube will end up on your body sooner or later. And how sure are you of your squeaky clean bottom? Eww! Stop! Just relax, maybe get flirty, then stick it in outside the tub.
Utilities
Your share/rental cost covers all utilities. Some bitches think that means they can run water, AC, heaters 24/7. Technically you can, and we can’t do anything about it, but Mother Earth and we will hate you forever. You fucking Bitch!
Music
The sound system has different zones. Indoor, poolside, and bayside. Do you really need to turn them all on at all times? No! Don’t piss off your housie reading by the bay just cuz you wanna shake it by the pool. Don’t piss off your sleeping housies while you’re soaking in the hot tub. And more importantly, DO NOT PISS OFF THE NEIGHBORS!
No Strangers
Introduce your guests, friends, lovers (don’t know their names? introduce us, we’ll cover for ya ; ) It’s a lot less awkward than seeing a rando hanging out at the house. Should I scream? hit him? fuck him? hug him? give me a hint.
CHECKING IN & OUT
We need time to turn the house, so it’s in an acceptable shape before the next guests arrive. Please don’t make us ask you to hurry up or ask you to stay out until we’re done.
- Check in is Thursday after 2PM. The gate will be locked to allow us time to clean the house.
- Check out is Wednesday before 2PM. Which means everything needs to be out of your room and bathroom.
Please don’t put us under spot asking last minute if you can stay longer.
No Solo Cups
Call me solocuphobic, but I loathe them—they’re the devil. The house is full of cups. if you want disposable ones, the pantry has plenty of clear ones. You’re not in a frat house anymore, dude.
No Glass on the Deck
Not because we don’t trust you, but accidents happen. A broken glass on the deck, where we walk, lounge, barefoot or naked, is scary. No one wants an extra crack up their ass. Glass is for the indoors.
Recreational Stufff
As long as you’re happy, safe, and responsible, who cares! But if it’s resulting in disruptive behaviors, like randomly thrashing on the floor, spontaneously dry-humping the kitchen island, or hosting a house parTy, You will not be welcomed back.
Smoking
Whatever the hell you smoke, just smoke it outside—never inside. if you’re caught tossing a cigarette butt on the deck, or in a planter, I will pick it up, re-lit it, and shove it up your butt. Don’t ever mess with my greens! Also, ashtray cleaning is not included in our services. You fill it up, you clean it up.
Dogs
We love dogs, probably more than we love you, but still, they must be pre-approved. Butch thinks he’s the alpha and we’d hate to break his heart. So let’s make sure everyone is getting along. And if you have a shedding/shitting dog, please clean after it.
Butt Wipes
They might be oh so gentle on your hole, but not so much on the primitive plumbing of the island. Instead, use the bidets we’ve provided in all bathrooms. Pamper your hole. Then maybe touch up with one? or none?
JUMPING IN THE BAY
Knock yourself out! Like, literally! The bay side of the island is very shallow, barely covers your heinie. Just use the fucking the ladder, it’s not decorative.
Room Occupancy
Room rates are based on double occupancy. That’s fancy for two gays per room max! Please don’t ask us if you can bring your new bf and his bff to spend the night. No! Also please don’t have your day tripping friends spending the whole day in the house. It’s not fair for your housies. Or even WORSE, pretend that they missed the last ferry and they just HAVE to crash!
What’s a Housie?
A Housie is your official housemate. They either have a share in the house, or renting for a week. All official housies are already our good friends, or friends fo friends. the very few new housies are pre-approved and we’ve already met them. So no randos.
What's a roomate?
The one sleeping in bed next to you, remember her? You got the share together, as we don’t take the responsibility of matching people. And you only have ONE roommate.
Who’s your Roomie?
That’s more of a question for you. If you originally booked the room for yourself, but bringing different roomies every weekend. You MUST tell us about them beforehand.
Can I have a 3rd roommate?
No! Maximum occupancy is 2 per room. If everybody brings a 3rd, the house population could grow from 8 to 12. If you want to live in a hostel for the summer, I’m sure you can find one.
What's a houseguest?
A friend stopping by for drinks, laying by the pool, or making love from behind. They DO HAVE their own house or share on the island. Otherwise, they’re day trippers! Which take me to….
What's a day tripper?
Someone who is coming to the island for the day. Some of them well-intend to take the last ferry out. But be aware, some of them, NEVER leave. They camp at the house making it look like a homeless shelter. They “miss” the last ferry and want to crash on the couch. No! We do not accommodate day trippers.
I can’t make it this week, what do I do?!
Sorry you can’t. Miss you already. But you cannot advertise it or give it away to strangers. Bitch, you crazy? Someone answering your Craigslist is NOT your friend. Your replacement must be introduced to and approved by us.