233Bay
THE DIGS OF DOMESTICATED PIGS
0-MINUTE WALK TO BAY
3-MINUTE WALK TO BEACH
4-MINUTE WALK TO LIQUOR STORE
5-MINUTE WALK TO HARBOR
8-MINUTE WALK TO MEATRACK
THE LOOK
THE PERKS
HEATED POOL
Electrically heated salt-water big-ass pool, one of the largest in the Pines, and with lounging shallow end and a deep end. You can actually dive in and do laps, and be the little-mermaid you always wanted to be.
HOT TUB
6-person hot tub with the view of the bay. Even comes with a disco light system, not sure who the fuck wants that, but it’s there if you want it.
OUTDOOR DINING
Fancy schmancy dining table with a concrete top, on an elevated deck to enjoy your meals looking at the bay and pool.
INDOOR FIREPLACE
Potbelly fireplace in the living room for the chilly days, or just the lewks. Just stock on wood, it goes fast. And do NOT rest your hand on the top of the fireplace when it’s on. Yup, that’s for you Pete!
OUTDOOR SHOWER
No clue what the fuss is about, but the gays seem to love them. So there you go. You got one. Mazel!
AC IN ALL ROOMS
AC’s in the living room and all bedrooms. Brrrrr!
APPLE TV
Apple TV with access to Netflix, Hulu, HBO, Disney, and Paramount. Plus a large library of already-purchased tv shows and movies.
DRAG CLOSET
A ridiculous amount of wigs, dresses, heels, accessories, hats, tutus, and most importantly, fascinators. Because what self-respecting Pines house wouldn’t have one!
WIFI
The best wifi service you can get on the Pines, extended to cover the whole property.
KAYAKS
Two kayaks, for you and your beau. Row to Tea Dance, the Meatrack, or the Grove. FYI, you can comfortably stand in the bay water for miles. So don’t worry about getting lost at sea.
OUTDOOR KITCHEN
Because one is never enough. What are we, pedestrians! Grill, fridge, ice makers, which reminds me….
ICE MAKERS
Not one, but two. One in the fridge and one by the outdoor kitchen. Ugh I hate bragging. Please stop making me brag.
THE LAYOUT
The rates and Availability
- Thursday through Wednesday.
- Maximum of 2 people per room
- Rates includes utilities, maid, wifi, pool & jacuzzi service
Unicorns Room.
Antlers Room.
Tom Selleck Room.
Pigs Room.
7000
5 weeks
7000
5 weeks
- Unicorns Room.
- Antlers Room.
- Tom Selleck Room.
- Unicorns Room.
- Antlers Room.
- Tom Selleck Room.
- Pigs Room.
THE RULES
Well, more like guidelines.
Who am I kidding! They are rules.
But if you have common sense they’re like reminders. So REMEMBER…
CHECKING IN & OUT
The house is sorta kinda yours between:
- Check in is Thursday after 2PM.
- Check out is Wednesday before 2PM.
Otherwise, it’s ours. As much as we love you all, we still need a day off between guests to reset. Please, plan your trips accordingly.
Exceptions may apply if you’re traveling from/to outside of NYC.
FREELOADING
If you got the cravings, and inhaled the whole kitchen and the bar, be a doll, and replace what you’ve consumed.
If someone is feeling generous and made us dinner, contribute in one way or another, kiss them, hung them, throw money at them, buy them some jewelry. Reciprocit-yyyy!
Clutter & Shoes & Cable
Don’t leave out personal stuff, clothes, towels, laptops, or SHOES, or CABLES laying around the house, or displayed on the kitchen countertop, forever Clutter up your own room instead.
And unless it’s pouring out, don’t leave your shoes by the entrance. It’s not a goddamned mosque.
LEFTOVERS & TUPPERWARE
If you’re not 99% sure you’re going to eat your leftovers (and I mean you yourself, not your boyfriend, not your housies, not your childhood best friend), then throw them away, and do not store them in tupperware.
I swear, no one in Africa is starving just because you threw out your leftovers in the Pines. No. One.
High Heels & Pools
You queen might think it’s fun to jump in the pool after strolling around, showing off your 9-incher. But if your heel accidentally rips through the pool liner, the pool will be closed indefinitely. Your housies are gonna loathe forever. And your social life will be ruined for the rest of your life.
Penetration in Hot Hub
Wanna have sexy time? Why not! But must you go all the way innn? Your lube will end up on your body sooner or later. And how squeaky clean is your bottom? Eww! Stop! Get frisky, then stick it in outside the tub.
Silicon Lube
We all love them, but duvets, sofas, and outdoor cushions do not. Wanna fuck like bunnies all over the house, fuck away. But these stains never go away. So place a towel under you.
Your bed sheets don’t count, mamma can bleach the hell out of those.
Butt Wipes
They might be oh so gentle on your hole, but not so much on the primitive plumbing of the island. Pamper your hole and use the bidets. Then maybe touch up with one? Or none?
Utilities
Your rent covers all utilities. Some bitches think that means they can run water, AC, heaters 24/7. Technically you can, and we can’t do anything about it, but Mother Earth and we will hate you forever.
You fucking Bitch!
Music
Legally, we cannot turn outdoor music on after 10 PM. Otherwise the PoPo will come and arrest you.
The sound system has indoors and outdoors zones. Be mindful of which one you’re using.
Also, don’t hog the DJ. We don’t always love your music.
Home Office
Hmmm, no it’s not. It’s a vacation house. Turn your room into a home office as you please. But not the whole house. Unless you’re home alone, or not expecting us to tiptoe around, the living room can’t be your conference room.
No one wants to hear you yelling at Becky who everyone hates, from that department that sounds like it’s made up, because she did something stupid that is irrelevant to our summer vacation.
Double Room Occupancy
That’s fancy for two per room max! Don’t ask us if you can bring your new bf and his bff and his grandma to spend the night.
Exceptions may apply for certified throuples.
YOUR GUESTS, YOUR ISSUES
You’re welcome to invite all your friends over. But they are your responsibility. It’s not our job to entertain them, feed them, burp them, and clean after them. Not my monkeys. Not my circus.
Introduce Your Guests
Whether they’re friends or hookups, We don’t want randoms roaming the house. I just get confused! Should I scream? Hit him? Fuck him? Hug him? Give me a hint.
DAY TRIPPERS
They sure are welcome, but not for the whole day. And keep their bags in your room.
And don’t get me started on when they pretend they missed the last ferry and they just have to crash!
Genderless
We don’t care what body parts you still have. Boobs, peens, vageens, and all in betweens, are all welcome. We expect you to be comfortable around and respectful of everyone.
If you prefer a discriminatory cis-men-only, move on… NEXT!!!
No Solo Cups
Call me solocuphobic, but I loathe them—they’re the devil. The house is full of cups. if you want disposable ones, the pantry has plenty of clear ones. You’re not in a frat house anymore, dude.
No Glass on the Deck
Accidents happen. A broken glass on the deck, where we walk, lounge, barefoot or naked, is scary. No one wants an extra crack up their ass.
NO JUMPING IN THE BAY
Knock yourself out! Like, literally! The bay side of the island is very shallow, barely covers your heinie. Just use the ladder, it’s not decorative.
Recreational Stufff
As long as you’re happy, safe, and responsible, who cares! But if it’s resulting in disruptive behaviors, like randomly thrashing on the floor, spontaneously dry-humping the kitchen island, or hosting a house parTy, you will never be welcomed back.
Smoking
Whatever the hell you smoke, smoke it outside—never inside. If you’re handcrafting your joint, sweep up your crumbs. if you’re caught tossing a cigarette butt on the deck, or in a planter, I will pick it up, re-lit it, and shove it up your butt. Don’t ever mess with my greens!
Ashtray cleaning is not included in our services. You fill it up, you clean it up.
Dogs
We love them, probably more than we love you, but still, they must be pre-approved. Butch thinks he’s the alpha and we’d hate to break his heart. So let’s make sure everyone is getting along.
If it sheds/shits everywhere, clean after it.
If it barks at everything, medicate it.
If it attacks other dogs, lock it up.
Exceptions definitely apply for Butch.
What’s a Housie?
A Housie is your official housemate. They either have a share in the house, or renting for a week. All official housies are already our good friends, or friends of friends. the very few new housies are pre-approved and we’ve already met them. So no randos.
What's a roomate?
The one sleeping in bed next to you, remember her? You got the share together, as we don’t take the responsibility of matching people. And you only have ONE roommate.
Who’s your Roomie?
That’s more of a question for you. If you originally booked the room for yourself, but bringing different roomies every weekend. You MUST tell us about them beforehand and send us their info.
Can I have a 3rd roommate?
No! Maximum occupancy is 2 per room. If everybody brings a 3rd, the house population could grow from 8 to 12. If you want to live in a hostel for the summer, I’m sure you can find one.
What's a houseguest?
A friend stopping by for drinks, laying by the pool, or making love from behind. They DO HAVE their own house or share on the island. Otherwise, they’re day trippers! Which take me to….
What's a day tripper?
Someone who is coming to the island for the day. Some of them well-intend to take the last ferry out. But be aware, some of them, NEVER leave. They camp at the house making it look like a homeless shelter. They “miss” the last ferry and want to crash on the couch. No! We do not accommodate day trippers.
I can’t make it this week, what do I do?!
Sorry you can’t. Miss you already. But you cannot advertise it or give it away to strangers. Bitch, you crazy? Someone answering your Craigslist is NOT your friend. Your replacement has to be a friend of yours and must be introduced to and approved by us.